Before killer-guy died, he went into hiding for a while. During this time of solitude, depression set in and he contacted me to grieve (much to my surprise, as we were not close. I think it was because of my professed faith in Jesus that he felt he could be vulnerable with me). He told me that he was in hiding, how abandoned he felt, that his friends were avoiding him to secure their own safety and that he wanted to end his life. He allowed me to minister to him that day, and I told him how much God still loved him despite how tempting suicide might seem. During this conversation, killer-guy was openly crying and he soon explained to me why it was easy for him to live the way he lived. I will never ever forget his words- they were my reality check. He said "Mama, I was never shown love. I do not even know what love is. Those who were supposed to teach me about love growing up, did not. They taught me the opposite and I lived what I was taught". This moment was eye-opening and extremely painful; I listened as he sorrowfully poured out his childhood traumas, filled with endless emotional, mental and physical abuse at the hands of a relative and the family he lived with. The end result? Killer-guy found it was easy to kill because his caregivers thought he was not worthy of being loved and denied him the experience of community love. Unfortunately, he remained within the grips of that toxicity and rejection cycle until early teenage years, and by then it was too late. His young heart was stone-cold and his first kill was 'easy'. He was a broken person who functioned in a world where family did not value him, and bad company surrounded him. He may have been much like many of us, except WE may actually still be numb to the dangers of dysfunctional circles.
Ladies (and gents), the company that we associate with now- the friends and family who advise us, guide us, interact with us and socialise with us, can affect our outcomes in impactful ways. The people we keep around us play a major part in determining if we will succeed in life, or if we will fail; if we will flourish or if we will choke out. If we will progress or if we will stagnate. If we do not pay attention to who is pouring into our lives and what they are also extracting, our company can in fact be our downfall. As women operating in business, climbing the corporate ladder, looking for husbands, building families or experiencing emotional trials, this is a very serious area of life that we need to take note of. If we do not closely and carefully assess who we do life with, we place our mental health, personal growth and emotional future at serious risk.
In this blog, I am going to highlight a few important traits of friendships that I consider essential for us women. Do not gloss this over. Reading, commenting and sharing this post might be very much worth your while, and may help us as women to make better analyses of our company along the way.
1. Bad Company Corrupts Good Morals is a script worth knowing (1 Corinthians 15:33). If as women, our company indulges in laziness, lying, deception, violence, adultery etc, soon we may be very desensitised and find ourselves playing part thereof. Similarly, if our friends are proactive about health and wellness, virtuous living, kindness, compassion, peace and growth, reading, family, love, sacrifice etc, so too may be our focus. I have seen my life both deteriorate and flourish based on the company I kept, with the word 'company' referring to anyone I have allowed to be close to me and pour into me- that's family, romantic relationships, communities and friends.
2. True Friends Call Out Our Wrongs because they want to see us grow. If we have friends who do not dissuade us from corrupt plots, manipulative acts, loose conduct, prideful unawareness, destructive paths, petty goals and costly mistakes, we can become a society of women who do not elevate. And this means we risk not progressing emotionally, financially, spiritually and mentally. Do your friends call you out?
3. Company That Does MORE Than Just Listen should also be the goal. This is where it gets sensitive. Many of us may have friends who are good listeners, but it is good to have relationships with persons who do more than just listen. What is the point of saying to someone "Go, be blessed and fed" without actually feeding or clothing them (James 2:16)? Ladies it is better to be the friend who, in addition to listening, offers solutions, extends a helping hand, uses networks to improve the other person's situation etc. We should be that friend, and also have friends who do the same. Listening is great but help is also necessary.
Years ago I told a friend that I had to do a very important prognosis CT scan. He didn't just say "Ok, good luck", but decided to come with me for my 7am appointment. Soon after being seated in the waiting room he disappeared for a bit and reappeared with a cream soda in his hand. He then asked for a cup, and explained to me that soon the attendant will come out with a cup of clear liquid for me to drink (he had done his share of CT scans in the past). He told me that it was going to taste awful but that I had to drink all of it. To support me, he said he was going to fill his cup with the cream soda and that every time he sips, I would have to sip too, until we were done. Up to this moment I was scared out of my mind, but this friend managed to turn all my anxiety into tears of relief and a sense of being supported. I still cry when I remember that day, both of us with our cups taking silent cues from each other on when to take sips so that the experience was less stressful for me. Ladies, there will be times in our lives when we will need friends who offer more than just listening ears, and when we ourselves will also need to offer more than just listening.
4. Our Company Should Be Ambitious And Selfless, because ambitious people lead us to greatness. A goal-oriented friend can inspire us, broaden our outlook and selflessly show us the possibilities that our own talents could create. A narrow-minded, selfish friend can stagnate us and lead us down a life of limitation and regret. I once knew someone who told me "If I ever have a dream about doing anything and want it killed- all I have to do is tell my friends." I was just as shocked at this statement as you probably were when you read that, but having been around that person's circle, I knew deep down that it was a disappointing truth. His friends cried down every single goal he had that seemed to make him shine. They selfishly progressed, and he remained stagnated.
From experience, I prefer to have very ambitious female friends in my life, who have achieved far more than I have in my lifetime but still find it useful to pour encouragement and guidance into me and my career-girl lifestyle brand, Gale and Co Trinidad. I cherish these women, and they are a lively mix of family and friends who are both younger and older than me.
5. Friends Who Pray are worth more than society acknowledges. Imagine having a friend who can pray physical healing into your life because of her relationship with God? Or one who can discern the schemes of your enemies before they can get a chance to touch you because she dedicates time to pray for you? Or one who can take your broken pieces before God in times of deep anguish in your life and ask for mercy and strength on your behalf? Most women sadly cannot say that they have this in their inner circle, but those who do, can attest to the peace that comes when they have a friend who cares enough to pray.
This list can go on and on, but no one likes to read long blogs anymore (we have the instant gratification of social media to blame for that, lol). I have shared these five because they have proven most relevant to my immediate experiences in 2022. But what are the points that you want to share with other women about the company we keep? Let's share more in the comments, and create conversation about how who we choose to be around can either build, stagnate or destroy our futures. Our company can, but does not have to be our downfall.
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Sadly though- this is only half of the defining story, and because entrepreneurs do not share the realities of small business chaos openly (and rightly so), many micro and small business CEOs who face mental struggles find themselves believing the lies they hear in their heads- that they are the only ones suffering from discouragement and burn out. To make this deception even more unhealthy, when we operate as business women (and men) in the absence of peers who are willing to admit that certain challenges are shared, we wrongly point all fingers to ourselves. Such is the disservice that our silence creates.
As we commemorate mental health awareness this month, I believe it is part of my job as a fellow entrepreneur and as the CEO of www.galeandcotrinidad.com, to shed some light on the bleak aspects of entrepreneurship that are not often admitted- just so that other women starting off in business or even those who may find themselves lacking empathy towards such boss-babes, may be aware of the challenges that our brands' social media storefronts try to hide. I have compiled a list of collective truths that entrepreneurs face, so that all of us know that in fact, we are not alone in the battles that happen behind it all. The blowout sales, the creative Tiktok videos, the aesthetically pleasing IG stories, and all the simply flawless content that serves to represent the entrepreneur's brand online, do not express the entire journey.
1. Burnout Is Common and Real, and you are not the only CEO in a micro or small business who feels devastated at the fact that new content, products, strategy and execution are required for your business daily/ weekly/ monthly, and you simply do not have the energy, resources, encouragement and will to face that vicious cycle yet again. You are NOT isolated in this situation and with the feelings that come along with it, and the belief that everyone else is handling it better than you is not true.
You are not ill-equipped, a failure or even lazy and taking a day or some time off to recharge is a mental health right and necessity. I was once someone who, maybe a year or so ago even, had to present a case to myself, arguing why I was entitled to a rest. Not anymore. I have since learnt to be a better boss to myself.
2. You Do Not Work, You Do Not Eat, and this may counteract the essence of my first point. But because this is a blog about the realities that we do not discuss often in the business ownership space, this one cannot be omitted. When we as girl bosses do not work, we do not have the means to eat. If we do not create, communicate or deliver our brand's value offering on a regular basis, keeping on the pulse of what our customers need and functioning in all aspects of our business, our revenue will shake and we will not be able to pay our bills. Whereas in the corporate world we may operate as employees whose monthly salary is not affected by output, this is not the case when we choose to become self-employed. Every day off due to illness, exhaustion, neglect or distractions affect our pockets and our ability to eat ramen or order prime cut steaks. So as much as we may burn out, we suffer when we burn out for too long.
It is then solely up to us to develop a culture of strong but balanced work ethics, organisation and productivity, while being fully aware of the reality that the safety of a stable monthly salary is no longer our luxury.
3. No One Is Transparent about what they are facing behind the scenes, so do not look to other entrepreneurs social media pages for signs of any business issues affecting the lives of the people behind it. No one leaves clues (well no professional brands do), and often we do not know that brands are in distress until the day we suddenly see that their website is closed for business and their social media has been abandoned indefinitely. I remember a couple years ago I would closely follow the IG page and website of an extremely established and viral planner company so as to get market insight into how I can make my brand better. It was business as usual with their posts- new products and collections being released every month, content to gawk at etc, until one day without warning, the brand was completely gone. For planner fans like myself, I am sure you all know the brand I am speaking about, and many of us still do not know what could have possibly happened behind the scenes with it. In the blink of an eye, one of the foxiest stationery brands on the market was now inaccessible.
How do we process this, you may ask? We do not fall for the trap of comparison or thinking that we are alone in our struggle simply because other social media accounts and websites seem to be thriving. In business, just like in personal lives, most of the content that make it online are those that display the best aspects of our existence, and not the worst aspects of what we face.
4. We Doubt Our Worth a lot. There are times when customers, online trolls, critics, unbelievers, opinion lobbyists, pessimists and our own minds may cause us to truly doubt if we are worthy enough, talented enough or built enough to bring anything of value to the table anymore or even at all. I have had experiences where many customers would applaud my brand and where a few will pull it apart; where fellow entreps will flaunt their successes and right after enquire about my sufferings. It is never truly a stable journey when building a brand from the ground up, and self-doubt loves to creep in when it is least needed.
In times like this, I advise that we all find our tribe. The ones who are empathetic enough to understand our emotions and wise enough to help us separate the meat from the bones in every low moment of doubt and criticism. In this journey, we are meant to eat the meat only, and spit out the bones. And a well-meaning, unbiased tribe will go a long way in helping all of us discern between the what is constructive and what is debasing and mean.
5. Global Waves Hit Us Harder- be it algorithm changes, pandemics, rise in shipping prices, new trends, wars or even the days that long weekends decide to fall on. What barely affected us before becoming our own bosses, affect us with intent now. From hair dressers to attorneys, stationery brands to clothing labels, once we are self-employed, local and international changes will affect us more than our peers, in some form or the other. Markets are now interconnected and resources are shared, so any change in equilibrium can affect us positively or negatively, adding to the list of things that we should be concerned about. While others can move on with their lives, we take a bit longer to bounce back.
The antidote here lies in being agile and spiritually secure to face changes, without being overcome by fears and setbacks. For me, without a relationship with God, I am sure I would have been consumed before even getting a chance to type this blog. But having a knowledge of and dependency on the Great I Am to shield me and bolster me, makes the unstable world that we operate in less intimidating.
6. All Friends and Family Cannot Relate to what you may be facing as a business owner operating in 2022. For some who may be seasoned in the field of entrepreneurship, they may be from an era where social media and web presence was not a necessity, or they may have been married and so had the shoulder of a spouse to lean on. This is the case with my own parents, who have been successful business owners for over 40 years, without so much as knowing what TikTok or Twitter is, and how a change in operating policies on these platforms can affect sales. They, like others, may not be fully aware of the struggle that we may feel to stay relevant, sane and thriving in an online economy as single moms, young adults, married women with no business support from spouses, or as a family woman with no time or resources needed to fully scale in business. Either way the scenario may be, the reality is that everyone may not truly understand your particular struggle or limitations, and may ill-advise, may not relate or may even offend you without being aware of it.
Our families mean well though, and we have to remember this in our interactions with those whom we seek empathy from or who we expect to be more understanding about why we cannot help them out in their weekend fundraiser, why we can't stay past 5pm at the birthday lime and why we fell asleep during the service.
I have described a mere six points, but I trust that by now everyone reading this post has gotten a deeper sense into areas of mental health issues that affect brand owners behind the scenes. We all struggle as we hide our pains surrounding community support, self-doubt, transparency and burnout, and we all look to each other for slivers of hope that we are not alone. But, because our brand image is gold and success looks better online when assisted with fog machines, many women behind brands suffer the weight of keeping it all together in silence.
This month is Mental Health Awareness month. Comment on this blog some truths or words of encouragement, to let other women know that it is okay to not be as perfectly poised as our brands appear.
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I received a message that morning on my personal Whatsapp account, from a customer enquiring about the status of her order delivery. As I went through the courier list over breakfast, thinking that I would be able to give her an adequate assurance that her order was on the way, I noticed that her order was not even there. It was a document tote from our Worthy collection, a gift she had ordered and customised for a male to receive from her for Christmas. It was December 23rd; it was not out for delivery and she had not received it. Did we forget her, she probably wondered? Sad to say, we did, sort of. A month ago we took her order, we booked her order, and we had it on the order list. But, someone else ordered an exact replica of her design (which in itself, looking back, is a strange coincidence for custom designs), but they later cancelled. So guess what happened, we thought the cancelled order was hers and we closed our studio, thinking our season was done and dreaming of blissful rest until December 28th.
Being the tenacious person that I am, however, I got to work. I had two hours to create, package and deliver, as if nothing was amiss. The order could not be rushed, but it also had to be, because it was already December 23rd! I also had horrible recollections of one dissatisfied customer about a year prior and the words she fired at me personally over the phone that took me a while to recover from psychologically; I was not looking forward to facing similar heat and we were not going to be the reason that some young man was gravely disappointed for Christmas due to an issue like this. So within a couple hours, a forgotten order was created by the grace of God, and delivered (luckily the client lived ten minutes from our atelier) with time to spare and apologies made. She was not one who cursed, was mean or threw tantrums as some do (rarely though as we only had two out of hundreds of customers who did this), and her warm smile made my panicked emotions calm. Not everyone was out to attack my business due to mistakes, I assured myself.
Moral of the story? Inside our atelier we are not perfect. We have hard days, good days and great days, and to any other business owners out there reading this blog, know and remember that on the days that you mess up, are stressed out and just can't manage it all, know that you are not alone, and that not every customer lacks the patience and support that you desperately crave when you think you are on your last.
xoxo
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